Happy birthday to me

Oh it's my birthday today! 28 years old, Boy all of a sudden I feel like an adult. I have been through a lot this year.

Who lives near the water?

I have a friend who has asked a favor in her blog:

http://2feetonearth1inthestars.wordpress.com/2009/04/28/i-help-from-all-you-bloggers-out-there/

Her angel Calypso has birthday coming up and she would like some photos of her name written in the sand. I did some this weekend, it is fun. I still need to do genevive's though, my camera died and I forgot batteries. But we have our week booked at the beach house for this year, so we have plenty of opportunities. Here is my favorite of Calypso's name. I loved that big rock so I decided to do it there, Rhode Island beaches are nice and rocky like that. I also love the wave breaking on the rock.

Grieving is necessary and wonderful

I had counseling today, YAY. And again I got the med push. She is unhappy I am not medicated for depression. I feel that depression for no good reason needs medication. Depression from the sudden devastating death of your infant is appropriate.

I feel like my grief and the things I do because of my grief is all I can do for genevive now. I want to feel it and think of her, even though it is painful. I choose not to medicate and cover it up. These things need to be worked through, that is the bottom line, I wish people would respect that. Who cares if I have a hard day and miss her and cry all day in bed. I deserve that every so often, I still take care of Lillian, I still do things that need to be done, I just allow myself a break.

Nothing huge going on today,

but I am posting cause I miss seeing Genevive on the front page. Let me go pick a good photo.

Here is a memory: This is the first time I ever saw her. I had already seen Lillian, and was worried because they were working on her for so long. She was having trouble breathing. She was so cute, and so tiny. She looked a lot like the first time I saw Alexander, same little nose and mouth. And a very similar expression.

April under the tree

A blog activity from here http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/04/under-tree-april_24.html

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been about 3 and a half months. My grief has changed since the first month or so, when I shied away and was still getting over the shock. Now I am just trying to cope. I believe my life has become harder. I don't think i really started to grieve until Lillian came home from the NICU.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?


This does not bother me, nor does seeing women with twins. I am glad they are happy and I enjoy seeing happy things.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

SO far this blog, the loss of a child forum on justmommies, sometimes I feel a need to do something involving Genevive, and I allow myself time to do that. I am still finding my way.

I wish we could dance

I like dancing. I am a big woman so I only dance when no one is home. But the most fun I have is to put on good music and dance with Alex. It is kinda more like jumping on the bed in rhythm. But it is fun anyhow. Today we did that with Lillian. She was so fussy so we blasted some music and we all danced, it was a lot of fun, and she was much happier too. I wish Genevive were here at moments like that, Very unfair she is missing them all, and we are missing her.

Well I am working out of the slump

I planned a nice evening with Eddy last night. It was a good moral booster. We looked a bit at the internet (love the whole laptop in the bed thing), we watched robin hood men in tights. Then we stayed up till 2am just talking and snuggling. I really needed that. I never expected the 3 month mark to hit me so hard. I am already dreading 6 months and 1 year.

I did wake up this morning feeling terrible though, I have a bad sore throat, and post nasal drip. I am so worried about possibly getting Lillian sick, These small preemies can't handle sickness like a regular baby can.

I have accepted I won't be able to do anything for Genevive's grave for a couple weeks, we just don't have the money. Waiting isn't a good strong point for me when I am anxious, but I will deal. I decided today for a happy note I will post a photo of Lillian. She looks a lot like Genevive now that she has pudged up. But she has daintier features. This is my Baby B:

God does everything for a reason...

Someone online said..."I don't think there is a reason, I think god is just as sad as we are."

What a lovely sentiment, it sure makes me feel a lot better than the first one. What reason is there for a baby to die, you think of one.

A new genevive video for the front page. It is when she first woke up from her surgery. It makes me a bit angry, I had felt so relieved I thought she was going to be fine. But somehow this video matches how I am feeling today.

Could I be any more miserable

Yesterday was Easter, this is what the easter bunny left. See Genevive's angel and wreath so she knows we didn't forget her. Problem is everyone else did. She wasn't mentioned once, it was terrible for me. But what can I do? I made it through most of the day feeling great, then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started tearing up and left. Luckily we only live in the back of the driveway, so Eddy stayed with the kids at the party and I went home.

Today has been no better, guess that is why I am still awake at 4:30 am. Tomorrow (technically today now) is the 3 month anniversary of my baby's death. I wonder how many people will remember that. I wonder if anyone else misses her. I wonder why it matters to me if people do?

Easter Eggs!

We colored Easter eggs today. I did a few for Genevive. I was angry that there was no purple. I tried making purple using the red and blue, but you know red easter egg dye rots. But here they are, I still think they are pretty. I was messing around in photoshop, not sure what I was going for here, except I wanted to see what some new vector brushes looked like. But Genevive isn't going to be critiquing my artwork, LOL. I will be taking photos soon of the tiles and stuff, just trying to find the time, this was a bad appointment week for Lillian. Seriously how many times a week does she need to be weighed.

Neonatal followup clinic

So Lillian had her first Neonatal followup. It is a specialty office that follows just the tiniest neonates, I think the ones born under 1250 grams. We specifically asked to see Dr. Stephens, she was also the Dr. who handled Genevive's sickness. Turns out she had us on her list to be seen by her anyhow, YAY she likes us! It was a very emotional appointment, she took such good care of Genevive and Lillian. After Genevive passed she gave us a lot of extra attention, she was very cautious with Lillian and made it a point to stop and check in with me a couple times a day. I really needed that at the time. I had a lovely conversation with the parent liason, we had a teary moment, she was pregnant with quads and two of them were stillborn. Her other two were 24 weekers, so she had a long NICU road. She was wonderful to talk to, and it was so nice to have a good conversation about Genevive. Tears and all I wish more people would talk to me about her. So any how in closing here is Dr. Stephens, this is just before she told me Genevive's heart had finally stopped. For anyone who may go through this in the future, that wait is the worst wait in the world. From when they disconnect everything till when she finally goes. More than once she made a gasp and I wanted to scream to put it back. It was horrible. They didn't warn me about that. For the most part she seemed peaceful though. Probably not what everyone wants to read, but I felt the need to say it.

Got more tile in today

I loved the tiles we got, but felt limited when I was brainstorming. SO I bought another 200 of a straight pretty green, 200 of a mixed dark purple, 200 of the original tiles we bought, and 200 of a mixed pastels that matches the pastels in our original tile, but with some extra colors. I am excited to sit down and start brainstorming some ideas of designs. It needs to be special. I also got in the letter stamps, They are perfect size, big size for her name and small size for everything else.

Helpful words

And a new video for the front page.

Holidays suck now

I just put together the cutest little color coded easter baskets. I tend to go overboard with holidays.... blue, green, pink, orange. I was having a blast then like in a flash the thought crosses my mind. There is no purple basket. And the tears start, and it ruins my entire night. I have this happen with any milestone, How long will this last!