Chatted about genevive today.

Today I had two doctors appts with an hour and a half wait in between them. I ended up chatting with a woman in the waiting room for a while. I was filling birthdays into my new 2011 planner book and she asked about my book. Every year I get a new photo planner. This is what 2011 looks like:
All my kids are getting huge aren't they! She instantly asked about Genevive up at the top. SO I explained a teeny bit about what happened. And she asked a few questions, it was nice because she didn't come across awkward at all. It was a treat for me, I have been feeling melancholy lately. This time of year sucks, the holidays, the twin's birthday, Genevive's anniversary, it feels like I am going to explode sometimes. But I am still trucking, Just thinking about what I want to do for Genevive this year.

RIP Kaiya Rae

Shock and awe has knocked me off my feet over the news of Kaiya Rae's death. On her 5 month birthday she passed away suddenly, with no good explanation. I saw her mom post just once in the cloth daipering forum and remember thinking how gorgeous Kaiya was in her siggy.

Whenever I hear of a new Angel it always affects me deeply. In a small way I relive what I went through with my Genevive, and I feel pain for the new grieving parents. It is such an unfair thing.

But every once in a while there is one that really hits home. Reading this mother's posts it is so obvious that she was totally and completely in love with her baby and enjoying motherhood every step of the way. It is so very very unfair that this baby would have to pass, no sickness, no accident, no reason, and no comfort.

And I feel useless, just some stranger across the country reading posts on the internet. I donated the last money I had in my bank account, a whopping $6.50. I feel a bit silly, but at least I tried doing something. I left a message on her facebook as well, and that is all I can do.

I know when Genevive passed away I was moved by the outpouring of support from my online friends. I hope maybe it is bringing some comfort to Kaiya's mom and dad too. I will never forget sweet baby Kaiya.

Diggin my way out of this hole.

Man, back in a slump! I feel like I am always going up and down, up and down. Now that the headstone is done I am feeling a bit empty. For so long I was working hard on the pamphlet, working hard on getting the headstone. And now all of a sudden it is all accomplished and I have nothing to DO for Genevive. I have to do something, I can't just do nothing, I have tried and I am miserable.

I spoke with our NICU social worker about this just that the other day. She has been a wonderful support during our grief journey. She suggested maybe I could make a little thing to give to parents about making memories. So they have some ideas to go by. That was my original idea when I started my pamphlet, so I do think its a wonderful idea. I have started putting a lot of thought into the best way to approach it.

I also have had a lot of fun sewing lately. I made cloth diapers for Lillian. And I started making some little Preemie size clothes to donate to the NICU this December. This project also has made me feel a bit better.

Oh and I never posted my new tattoo here. It makes me so happy. When I feel like I need to I can look down and see Genevive's actual foot, actual life size. I wish I had done it sooner. It is on the inside of my arm a little below my elbow. My husband has one to match on his upper arm, but no heart, just the foot in the wings so it is more manly, LOL.

sadness

Every night I spend a little time with Lillian before daddy sings to her and puts her to bed. Today we put on her nightgown. Practiced some words, up, down, eye, mouth, and tattoo, LOL. She loves my tattoos, and likes to rub them. And we did some tickles and raspberries and in general were very goofy. It was bliss, she is such a lovely baby. But in the end I always end up feeling a little sad, and thinking about never playing with Genevive. It makes me feel like I just can't be fully happy , and I wonder if it affects Lillian somehow.