Diggin my way out of this hole.

Man, back in a slump! I feel like I am always going up and down, up and down. Now that the headstone is done I am feeling a bit empty. For so long I was working hard on the pamphlet, working hard on getting the headstone. And now all of a sudden it is all accomplished and I have nothing to DO for Genevive. I have to do something, I can't just do nothing, I have tried and I am miserable.

I spoke with our NICU social worker about this just that the other day. She has been a wonderful support during our grief journey. She suggested maybe I could make a little thing to give to parents about making memories. So they have some ideas to go by. That was my original idea when I started my pamphlet, so I do think its a wonderful idea. I have started putting a lot of thought into the best way to approach it.

I also have had a lot of fun sewing lately. I made cloth diapers for Lillian. And I started making some little Preemie size clothes to donate to the NICU this December. This project also has made me feel a bit better.

Oh and I never posted my new tattoo here. It makes me so happy. When I feel like I need to I can look down and see Genevive's actual foot, actual life size. I wish I had done it sooner. It is on the inside of my arm a little below my elbow. My husband has one to match on his upper arm, but no heart, just the foot in the wings so it is more manly, LOL.

sadness

Every night I spend a little time with Lillian before daddy sings to her and puts her to bed. Today we put on her nightgown. Practiced some words, up, down, eye, mouth, and tattoo, LOL. She loves my tattoos, and likes to rub them. And we did some tickles and raspberries and in general were very goofy. It was bliss, she is such a lovely baby. But in the end I always end up feeling a little sad, and thinking about never playing with Genevive. It makes me feel like I just can't be fully happy , and I wonder if it affects Lillian somehow.

Headstone is installed!

I need to buy more chipped marble though, I was surprised to see that a lot of it was missing, and in general her grave was a grown over mess. Sad, since I had it so pretty last time. The temporary headstone I made last year was broken into 5 pieces, that was a bit sad, I had hoped it would be ok so I could bring it home. Here are some photos. I will take better ones Wednesday or Thursday when I get over there to put down more chipped marble.

So first we had to find the temporary stone, that is how overgrown it was. We dug out the pieces and moved as much of the chipped marble as we could out of the way.

Then Eddy and my brother Bill dug out a hole for the stone.



Here is the new stone, Isn't it just lovely! I truly adore it. It is really heavy, I can't even lift it a tiny bit. It is a lot bigger than I expected, the photo doesn't really show how big it is. It is a lot bigger than she was in real life, LOL.
They had to put it in and take it out a couple times to fix the size of the hole.
Big gap in photos here, because I was sitting on the ground fixing the rocks and dirt as best as I could.
My mom bought the little flower holders and the flowers. Purple for Genevive!

So here it is! I am upset we had to leave it looking this way, but I really hadn't expected so much of the marble to be gone. It will look so pretty when I redecorate it this week though.

Here is my headstone crew.... My step dad Dennis, my mom Robin, my niece Olivia, My brother in law Chris holding Lily, My sister Mel, my husband Eddy, me and my brother Billy. Alex refused to get in the photo, so we had him take the picture. Wish we had moved that stroller, LOL. I appreciate the support, and I am glad some family was there. It is nice to know that they think of Genevive. And Kudos to everyone it was so hot, and there is no shade at the grave and no wind at all, on the way home the bank thermometer said 101 degrees.

Now that it is done, I feel a mix of emotions. I am glad it is done, I was worried having the headstone in my van for a couple months, I Didn't want anything to happen to it. However I also feel sad, this was my last big thing. Now there is nothing left I can do for Genevive. I feel like I am done parenting her. Seems odd to even think of parenting a dead baby, but I still feel like she is mine and I am supposed to provide for her. But now I am done providing for her, so what am I left with? I can light a candle a couple times a year, but it just doesn't feel like enough for me. I guess I will have to find a new way to continue my grief.

Mini rant about heaven

Now I will say upfront I am an athiest. I don't believe in god, heaven, hell, ghosts, spirits, angels etc. I just can't wrap my mind around something I can't see I guess. I have no idea what happens when you die, and no idea what happened to my daughter. To me she is just gone, and should be remembered.

In grief this is a tough spot to be in, It seems everyone turns to their particular religious beliefs for comfort. I don't have that. When my daughter died I got a lot of religous types of comments, offers of prayers, people saying I will see her again someday. They never bothered me since it was people's kind thoughts that mattered. Though they don't offer me much comfort either, I don't believe I will see Genevive again someday. If it turns out I am wrong, that would be lovely. That is kind of how I see it, When I die I will figure out what happens, maybe I will go to heaven, maybe I will become a spirit, maybe I will just cease to be and that doesn't sound to bad either.

On the other hand though, I refer to my daughter as an angel, it's a lovely representation. And my husband is catholic so I respect his belief that Genevive is in heaven.

One thing that really makes me angry though is when people represent my daughter running around in heaven, eating cake and chatting with other angels and what not. To me she is my baby, forever 16 days old, forever sleeping and drinking milk. If there is a heaven why would she be older? The whole idea of her talking and walking just really sends chills down my spine. I can't see her any other way than the little baby I cuddled. I don't know if this is a stupid thing to harp on about, but it really does bug me a lot.

The one other thing that really does make me so angry is when people say she belongs with the lord. The lord took her back to him etc. She belongs to me, and my arms is the best place for my babies, no one will ever convince me otherwise.

So anyhow I just wanted to reflect on that a bit. I on no way have an issue with religious people, I respect all religions and peoples right to worship how they choose. And I enjoy when people offer me prayers, I think it is a kind thing to do. But if my daughter is an angel, she is a baby one, sleeping in a nice cushy bassinet.