I am still alive

Wow, It has been nearly a year since I posted here.  I guess that is a great sign in my grief process.  I was super busy having my new baby, I am happy to say I managed to carry him the longest of all my pregnancies, 35weeks!!  He was born November 8, and was a whopping 6lb 5oz.

 

And he is now a healthy 6 month old. He is happy, healthy and chunky, and I totally adore him.

 Isn't he gorgeous!  Genevive is ever on my mind of course, but I haven't actively done anything for her lately.  I have been so busy with William.  However now that the weather is nicer, I plan a trip to the cemetery to put down some new chipped marble and fix up her grave a bit.

Having another baby cannot replace a lost baby, but it sure does help with the sting. I am so much happier than I have been in a while, and I have noticed lots of little changes in my grief.

kind of a sad day

Today my wallet was so full of cards I couldn't zip it closed anymore. SO I had to clean it out. One of the things that went was Genevive's health insurance cards. I have been carrying them in my wallet for two and a half years after her death.

It is odd the little things that we hold onto. I admit I went back and forth until reason told me, why in the world am I still carrying them around. So they now live safely in her memory boxes with everything else.

And now I feel sad, like another doorway is closed between her and I. She is gone, it is not like the cards are going to change that, but sometimes I am angry life goes on. Maybe I should have just left them alone.

Time keeps marching by

Thinking about Genevive today so I thought I would come post. Things are going great around here, the pregnancy is going well, but I still miss my baby. I think it could be the pregnancy, but I have been thinking about her a lot, and looking at her photos a lot. She was so awesome, It makes me angry that such terrible luck had to come by her. Lets go find some new photos to post, it's the 9th, so I will look for some 9 day old photos.

Day 9 was an awesome day. It was the only day I held both of my babies at the same time. It was also sibling day so Alexander came to see them as well. Genevive was sleepy most of the day.


Sucking her thumb during a diaper change.

All fresh and changed and back to sleep. I went back home for a while after this.

Can't leave this one out, though I have posted it before. Later in the evening.

Taking a rest with Mommy.
With big brother Alex.


Looking a little disappointed that we put her back in the isolette.
Big brother Alex checking her out, and singing ABCs to her.

somewhat neglected blog

I haven't posted in over a month, that's terrible. I am thinking of Genevive of course, in fact a bit more lately. However, we have had quite a lot going on.....


We are overjoyed, but this does open a whole new set of emotions. The past month has been just holding my breath, waiting for a heartbeat, worrying about my diabetes, worrying about twins again.

Now so far my ultrasounds have only shown one baby, but with the girls the same thing happened until the 4th ultrasound, so I won't feel secure until the baby is a bit bigger. Even if it isn't twins, the risk of a premature birth is still large, both of my pregnancies were premature, and the reason the twins were delivered early was caused by my diabetes which I still have of course.

I think I won't feel secure until this baby is home, eating well, and past the age that NEC strikes. Even then, there is always something that can happen, I hate knowing that....