somewhat neglected blog

I haven't posted in over a month, that's terrible. I am thinking of Genevive of course, in fact a bit more lately. However, we have had quite a lot going on.....


We are overjoyed, but this does open a whole new set of emotions. The past month has been just holding my breath, waiting for a heartbeat, worrying about my diabetes, worrying about twins again.

Now so far my ultrasounds have only shown one baby, but with the girls the same thing happened until the 4th ultrasound, so I won't feel secure until the baby is a bit bigger. Even if it isn't twins, the risk of a premature birth is still large, both of my pregnancies were premature, and the reason the twins were delivered early was caused by my diabetes which I still have of course.

I think I won't feel secure until this baby is home, eating well, and past the age that NEC strikes. Even then, there is always something that can happen, I hate knowing that....

Genevive is in her own big girl bed!!

OK, obviously that was fake. But where else will I ever be able to type that. Lily transitioned to a big girl bed today, it went so well. She loves her bed and slept in it with no issues whatsoever. I am very proud, but also a tiny bit melancholy. I get that way at a lot of big milestones with Lillian. I imagine it would have been much more challenging to transition twins out of the crib, but I wish I had the chance.

Let me go look for some photos to cheer myself up. Here is Genevive being silly with Daddy and her sister Teri. She was the most alert infant I have ever seen, she was making a bunch of cute faces this day.

I am missing Genevive today.

So lets go find some photos!

OK, here are some I haven't shared before. When Genevive passed away, we spent the whole day with her, I think we gave her back around 9pm. But even with all that time, I felt like I wasn't ready. It nagged at me and nagged at me. Finally after working up the courage, a few days later I called the social worker and told her how I was feeling, and asked if I could go see her in the morgue. She said I could come in and see her, but she didn't think it was a good idea for me to go to the morgue.

So they found some clothes and brought her to the hospital meditation room for me. This little sneak visit really helped me find some peace. I am not sure what it was, I guess I needed to see that she was ok. And it was wonderful to see how she looked after her autopsy to prepare me for when I got her dressed at the funeral home. She was very cold, but she looked so much better than when we left her. I was so full of Joy when I saw that, I even contemplated having an open casket at the funeral.



Here she is shortly before she passed away.

And here she was a few days later. The clothes were a bit big, LOL.
And here is her lucky mother, happy to be able to steal a few more precious moments with my baby.

2 years without Genevive

Well her anniversary has passed. I woke up pretty bummed.

I posted this on facebook (and got some lovely replies): 2 years ago today I lost a piece of my heart. It sounds like so long ago, but it feels like it was just yesterday. How do I go on when a piece of my heart is elsewhere for all eternity? Rest in peace my sweet baby, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

I started writing the story of the 14th, which I will finish later on. My sister Pauline called me up and sang that "I just called to say I love you song". And she asked if I wanted to go to the store with her. I was going to make an excuse not to go, but she said I thought we could look for something for Genevive's shelf. Boy did that make me feel good.

SO I got dressed, we went out to a restaurant for lunch. We talked a lot about our childhood, and about the day Genevive passed away, and some of our NICU experience. And a lot about Genevive in general. Then we went to our favorite store and bought a bunch of stuff for the kids. But didn't find anything that really popped for Genevive. SO we went to get the kids from school, but found out my husband already picked them up, LMAO.

Then we decided to go back out, we returned to our favorite store (Savers btw) and they had new stuff out, and we found an awesome huge purple candle. So we got that for Genevive. and we got more stuff for the kids. And then we went to Shaw's to get stuff for my nieces bday party. She totally spoiled me, and kept me distracted, without forgetting Genevive. It was perfect and I am so grateful.

My other sister Mel didn't call, and I worried she forgot, but she posted this on facebook: Starting dinner then lighting a candle for Genevive and relive her through photos. Thinking of you all day, Jenny.

Let me see if I can find a photo I haven't posted yet. I tend to always post my favorite ones over and over. How about one from when she was 2 days old, since this is her 2nd anniversary. 2 days old, she was taken off the ventilator and I held her for the first time!



She was so content being held, but not to happy about being put back!
And she ended up under the bili lights as well. But she got her binky, she loved her binkies!OK, I couldn't pick just one!