Thursday, January 14, 2010

One year ago at this time...

One year ago today I watched my daughter die in my arms. I couldn't fix it, I couldn't save her. I have struggled along for a year. I have watched Lillian grow and felt the pangs of something that is missing. I have gone through milestones and holidays, I survived her birthday. But this pain and sadness enveloped me more and more as this day approached. I work hard to make sure she isn't forgotten, and to help others who are going through the pain of losing a child. But now this day has come, how can I help me myself. I am angry, it is unfair, why my baby? I am sure I will make it through somehow, I have no choice after all. I will hold onto the fact that I am lucky. How lucky I had such a special spunky, active little preemie. And how grateful I am that she is no longer in pain.

I wonder if she means anything to other people. I wonder if her story has made any difference whatsoever, or if my fear of her being forgotten has just turned me into a crackpot.

Perhaps for today everyone can pretend I haven't turned into a lunatic. Say my daughters name, don't ask me to get over it, don't tell me to look at Lillian, don't tell me she is in a better place. I would love to hear a memory, or that she was cute, be outraged with me, I don't know. I miss her, I feel it, and today I am unable to pretend that everything is ok.

8 comments:

Catherine W said...

Genevive & Lillian both mean a great deal to me. Even though I never met Genevive and I've never met you or Lillian (perhaps I could come and visit if I win the lottery) I think about you all often. Reading the story of your family made a difference to me.

I'll never tell you to get over it. I will never, ever tell you to look at Lillian. I understand that doesn't help even though some people will think it should.

Genevive was so cute, she was beautiful. I feel so lucky to have seen the photographs that you've posted here of your little 'big' girl.

Thinking of you and remembering Genevive always. xx

Brittanie said...

I just wanted to share with you a song I recently discovered and love.

Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place,
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken,
the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait
to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick
than now

Help me Lord cause
I don't understand your ways
The reason why
I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me,
the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here
so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick
than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Susan and Michael said...

Thinking of you today and remembering both of our daughters. The Heavens received two precious angels on this day last year and left two heartbroken mommies.

Lots of love,
Susan Brewer

Stace said...

Just the fact that I'm here shows that your story has helped... having someone know what I'm going through- even if it only means reading your posts- means a lot. And all I can say is that it is unfair. Nothing will ever truly be okay again... but hopefully it gets easier to smile.

Amanda said...

Even though I'm not a mother, I'll cry with you. I'll be outraged with you. I'll celebrate and remember the beautiful Genevive with you. I'll let you know that your story did touch me and for some reason I feel your heartbreak as if it were my own little sister who passed.

Please, Mom, don't blame yourself. You did all you could for your precious baby girl and she knew her mommy loved her. You could see it in her bright eyes and her gummy grin that she knew you would always be there for her.

Thank you for sharing your story with me and allowing me a glimpse of your precious treasure named Genevive.

xOxOx

Rebekah said...

It is so hard with each passing day- wanting our precious babies to be remembered- and to make a difference even in death. Thank you for sharing Genevive's story with us. I pray that her story may touch many lives and people may see the way loss touches us all and have more compassion in their hearts because of it.
Peace & love to you!

Adi said...

I followed you on jm and am brittanie's sister. I have to say, you probably have it harder than others.. I know everyone says "at least you got one out of it" but having one the same age makes it harder. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart hurts for anyone who has lost a child. While i've not, i lost a dear niece and it hurts to this day. She is loved and missed by many.

Michele said...

Thinking of you...