Thursday, May 28, 2009


Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about Genevive. The more time passes the more panicked I get. The more I worry I will forget a detail, the farther away from her I feel. The stronger the urge to do something is. I don't want her life to be a waste. I would like her death to make a difference somehow, but how? I have wracked my brain, I have tried so hard to think of something! I still don't know what to do about her first anniversary. The one thing that fits is a butterfly release, but we can't because she passed in the winter. Life is very unfair. it shouldn't be this hard.

How beautiful is this baby.....

Saturday, May 23, 2009

SO busy!!

We got taxes in, and so I have been very busy spending money! I bought this awesome molding compound, and made a permanent mold of genevive's hand. I am so excited, now I can use the mold to make things. I will take a photo.

Lillian is feeling much better since starting this new formula. It is not what I had hoped for, but it is a definite improvement!

Let me find a new video for the front page. Sigh, wasn't she so cute. She loved being talked to!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

we are home

we spent a night at the hospital. Lillian had some blood in her stool. They decided to switch her to hypoallergenic formula. They think she has a formula intolerance, and that is causing her reflux to be so bad, and her colic. We are home, and she is snoozing. SO far so good.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Lillian is sick

Well, I really think my heart can't take this parenting thing. Lillian woke up sick today, preemies being sick is a huge deal. We will be going into the pediatricians at 1:45 and then most probably they will send us to hasbro to spend a couple days there just like last time. I hope so honestly, because I am so afraid of going to sleep and her not waking up. You read about them getting RSV and the parents think it is just a cold. Well I think this is just a cold, but what do I know? They will do a test in the Dr. office. I am so paranoid.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

4 months ago today....

We said goodbye to our baby. Dooming me to a fit of depression around the 14th of each month. Boy, I sure miss her. It is so unfair. Just enough time to get completely attached, and then she was ripped away.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My sweet Lillian

This blog was a place for me to vent out all those feelings I didn't know how to handle. At that time it was all about missing my sweet baby. But life goes on and other problems arise. And I have found myself wanting to add them to my blog.

I have also felt something that creeps up more and more often. I hate doing things for one baby and not the other. It is silly really, obviously I won't be able to do everything for Genevive that I do for Lillian throughout her life. But when I do get a chance I like to do things in double. I think it is the part of me that mourns having twins. All those visions and dreams of matching outfits, and double strollers. So much so that i am paying for a doll made of Genevive, and I am getting one of Lillian as well. it just didn't feel right. They are supposed to be a pair of sorts.

So here is my Lillian who you will be hearing more about. And Probably big brother Alex as well. I hope this doesn't affect any Angel moms who read my blog, but they are a huge part of my life and as a matter of fact my grief as well.

Here is Lillian when she was born. My 1lb 13 oz miracle. And to think she was the one we all worried about.

And here she is now.

Another sweet Angel...

I was hit by a ton of bricks today. I have been following baby Kayleigh for some time now. What an amazing fighter, she has come so far. Yesterday she took her last breath. It is so unfair, to come so far and have it ripped away. My heart goes to them, and I am crying as type.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Not around much this week.

Well, I am making a wedding cake this week, and it is taking all my time. I just wanted to let everyone know why I am not posting as much as usual. I am still thinking of Genevive, and it is nice to have a big distraction.

Here is an earlier video of Genevive, 4 days old on CPAP.