Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Happy Birthday Genevive

Well this is certainly worse than Christmas. I got up, sang to Lillian, and have spent all morning doting on my little girl. I thought I was doing fine. Then I just burst into tears. I didn't feel it coming, not sure where it came from or what set it off. And now I can't stop it, I am such an awful mom. Poor Lillian.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

Christmas is here. We had a lovely morning. I hope the holiday is being gentle on all you angel moms. I am off to the cemetary.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I feel so blessed

It's Christmas eve. I have been dreading these two days for months. Doomed to put on a brave face and force my way through family functions and festivities, while no one mentions my precious baby or acknowledges she existed. Stuck in a bout of depression, missing a piece of my soul. But I was dead wrong.

This photograph changed everything!! I belong to an art community called Deviant Art. They featured this photo as a daily deviation. I logged in and found 1149 messages, comments and a few private notes in my deviant art. I cried, to think when I thought no one would remember her, thousands of people had looked at her photos and read her story. I hope at least one of them got something from it, awareness about infant loss, awareness about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, or even just Oh what a cute baby! (that last one is my own selfishness LMAO)

In response I will post the story of this photo, Being one of my favorites.
We had already been told she would not live for another 24 hours. And my sister Melanie had called in family. We were in the Nicu bay waiting for all of my family to arrive. The plan was to move her to the family room for her last moments after everyone arrived. However they underestimated how bad off she was at that point, and her blood pressure was dropping rapidly. They told me I had no more time. I didn't want her to pass away on the table like that. So we decided to move her then, even though my mother hadn't arrived yet. The nurse had gotten a blanket to wrap her in and unplugged all the tubes except her ventilator and pain med. And I lifted her up so they could put her blanket underneath her. And it was the first time I could hold her since she got sick. I can't describe what that moment was like, she was shaking because the ventilator was a special kind that shakes them hard. And her belly was a little hard from the surgery and swelling. She was very red and very warm. I can remember kissing her and I can remember snuzzling her belly a little. Then we put her back down, wrapped her up and walked her to the family room. My mother finally arrived just a couple minutes after she passed away. She was coming from two hours away. I was greatful she was surrounded by family when she passed. I am also greatful Genevive told us it was time to go, I am not sure I would ever have been able to make the decision to move her myself.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Genevive's xmas ornament.

Isn't it gorgeous.
And I needed something to give Lillian during her photoshoot, she learned to roll and to get up on her knees so its hard to get her to sit for photos. I thought the box is so pretty that will be perfect to distract her. But she managed to get it opened! The photos actually came out gorgeous. And I think there is something poetic about lillian playing with her sister's ornament.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Feeling a bit better today

Last night I was blessed to have a long conversation about Genevive with my sister Pauline. I believe it started because I mentioned that I don't know how I will be on Christmas, I expect to have a hard time. And somehow it ballooned into an hours long conversation. We shared memories and regrets, we spoke about the day she died and various feelings and things we remember. Things I missed and what other people were doing while I was preoccupied. How it affected Pauline herself (she had a preemie in the NICU at the time as well).

See the photo up top there, That diaper cover was made by Pauline for Genevive. She made it while she was still stuck up in the high risk wing of the hospital waiting for Bella to be born. We were both in the high risk wing together, and gave birth a week apart, both at 29 weeks gestation. Crazy coincidence huh. She made an orange one for Lillian, and I said I need a purple one for Genevive with a heart on her butt! And she made it! I love that heart butt photo. I wasn't able to put real clothes in them yet, but they let them both wear their fleece diaper covers.

During the conversation I got out my photo album and started to organize the photos a bit better, a project I had been wanting to do for a while. I feel so good. It was so nice to hear someone talk about her, and say her name. And to get to just get out some of my feelings too. And look at her photos, and all the cute things she used to do.

Today I also got the ornament from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep ornament exchange. It is a gorgeous palm sized silver heart locket. With a ribbon and a silver heart halfway up the ribbon that has 2009 engraved on it. The locket heart has a tree of life and says "We never lose the one we love - they live on in our hearts" , when you open it on the left is engraved "Genevive 1-14-09 Always loved and remembered" and the right has a frame for a photo. and there is a dangling crystal on the bottom. I will take a photo of it in the morning when our house has light. It just melts my heart.

Monday, December 14, 2009

11 months

11 months, that seems so close to a year. Two weeks until her birthday, a week and a half till christmas. Lots of milestones and no joy whatsoever. I swear I am a miserable mess.

I was on the way to my sister's for game night and we passed a church with a wreath on it, it was green with some white sort of berries or flowers on it, and a large purple bow. It was so pretty and it reminded me of Genevive, and I wanted it so badly, and next thing you know I am balling my eyes out half the trip to my sisters.

I can't wait till this whole season is over, I am already tired of going through the motions.
A year ago I was in the hospital getting ready for Christmas and looking forward to having two beautiful babies. I had no idea what was to come in just a couple of weeks.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Instead of Barbara lets say "Genevive"

An Elephant in the Room

There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
So it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" And "I'm Fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything - except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.

For you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please say her name.
Oh, please, say "Barbara" again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life?

Can I say, "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me


In a room...

With an elephant...

Terry Kettering

Sorry everyone that i am absent again, the holidays are defeating me.