Thursday, December 24, 2009

I feel so blessed

It's Christmas eve. I have been dreading these two days for months. Doomed to put on a brave face and force my way through family functions and festivities, while no one mentions my precious baby or acknowledges she existed. Stuck in a bout of depression, missing a piece of my soul. But I was dead wrong.

This photograph changed everything!! I belong to an art community called Deviant Art. They featured this photo as a daily deviation. I logged in and found 1149 messages, comments and a few private notes in my deviant art. I cried, to think when I thought no one would remember her, thousands of people had looked at her photos and read her story. I hope at least one of them got something from it, awareness about infant loss, awareness about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, or even just Oh what a cute baby! (that last one is my own selfishness LMAO)


In response I will post the story of this photo, Being one of my favorites.
We had already been told she would not live for another 24 hours. And my sister Melanie had called in family. We were in the Nicu bay waiting for all of my family to arrive. The plan was to move her to the family room for her last moments after everyone arrived. However they underestimated how bad off she was at that point, and her blood pressure was dropping rapidly. They told me I had no more time. I didn't want her to pass away on the table like that. So we decided to move her then, even though my mother hadn't arrived yet. The nurse had gotten a blanket to wrap her in and unplugged all the tubes except her ventilator and pain med. And I lifted her up so they could put her blanket underneath her. And it was the first time I could hold her since she got sick. I can't describe what that moment was like, she was shaking because the ventilator was a special kind that shakes them hard. And her belly was a little hard from the surgery and swelling. She was very red and very warm. I can remember kissing her and I can remember snuzzling her belly a little. Then we put her back down, wrapped her up and walked her to the family room. My mother finally arrived just a couple minutes after she passed away. She was coming from two hours away. I was greatful she was surrounded by family when she passed. I am also greatful Genevive told us it was time to go, I am not sure I would ever have been able to make the decision to move her myself.

3 comments:

Just Breathe said...

It's a beautiful sad story. My prayers are with you. Ever since I heard about "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" I am in awe of them. It is one of the blessing you can hold on to forever. I can't imagine all the baby lost mothers without pictures of their baby. Thank you for sharing this moment with me.

Catherine W said...

She is a sweet baby, such a dear little girl.

That is amazing, so many people, the world over, remembering your beautiful Genevive.

Genevive passed away surrounded by her mama's love and with people who truly cared about her all around her. xo

Brittanie said...

That picture is so beautiful. I'm glad you got some beautiful moments with her. I'm in tears, how great of them to feature that.

(hugs)