Friday, December 31, 2010

My babies together!

So, I started working on my baby videos. I have put it off so long, Because I take so many photos it is overwhelming.

I am doing genevive first, since it seems to be a comforting activity while I am missing her (this is my tough period, the time she was actually alive). Plus of the two it is a much smaller job obviously. Anyhow while sorting out the photos look what I found!

Look that is a photo of both of my babies together! It is in the delivery room, inside the transportation unit, ready to go to the NICU. Lillian is in the back, and Genevive is closest to us. I do have a photo of me holding both of them, but this is the only photo of them actually together. Not the greatest photo, but something I was sad I didn't have. There is something about seeing them together at the same time, it makes it feel more real.

Here are a couple other favorites of Genevive on her birthday! She was such a cutie, she looked like my Alex when he was born.

Her very first photo ever! Fresh out of the belly.
Getting cleaned up a bit.

And finally a cry! I remember it was a husky gurgly cry, she was struggling to breath a lot more than Lillian. In fact a nurse held Lillian next to the operating table to see me for about ten minutes, because they were still trying to stabilize Genevive. When she was good enough, they brought her by me for just a second and then whisked them both to the NICU.

And finally here is my first look at my baby! And her first look at me, cause she opened her eyes!! After seeing Lillian, she seemed so big! But she was only 3lb 1oz.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My boy Alex

My son is 8 years old, he is also autistic. Sometimes he comes out with things that just amazes me.

This morning He came out and said "Good morning mom, today is Lillian and Genevive's birthday! But Genevive is really dead, but that's ok we can sing happy birthday to her anyway." "If she didn't die she would have lots of fun and play with Lillian's toys, and they would share. But she was sick and died, that was very upsetting"

Now he does bring her up every so often, not a lot, but every couple months he will engage a conversation about it. It definitely affected him, and he is more aware of it than we first thought. I try not to make a big deal about it around the kids, so that Lillian won't feel weighed down by her sisters death. Most of my candle lighting and things I do late at night, it seems like late at night is when I miss her most anyhow. I can't think of a time I have mentioned Genevive's birthday around him. But he remembered, I am so touched.

It is very clear, Alex misses her too. He was very excited when I was pregnant, He would tell anyone who would listen that there is TWO babies. And when they were born he would beg to visit the NICU. And while we were there he would run back and forth between the two isolettes, it was so cute! He was very upset that he couldn't hold them because of the wires.

When Genevive got sick, we made the decision to let the kids visit her before she passed away. Especially with Alex's communication problems, we felt that he needed to see what was going on to really understand. We didn't sugar coat or hide what happened. he needed to understand there was not going to be two babies anymore. He knows Genevive was sick. he knows she died and when she died she stopped moving. And he knows we buried her.

So when my brother brought him we were all in the family room, and he came up and gave Genevive a kiss. It didn't bother him at all that she was swollen and bruised. When I got overwhelmed I asked them to take Alex out of the room, but he came back in a little later after she passed away. I explained what happened and we removed all her wires and he said "can I hold my baby YET!". I sure didn't expect that, but what can I say, so I gave her to him. And he kissed her and talked to her and rubbed her hair, it was very sweet. I have to say that his presence actually helped me a bit. I was unsure at the time, but now I feel that involving him was the best thing, I think he has a good handle on death, and what happened, and he got his chance to get the same closure we needed to say goodbye.

Happy Birthday Genevive, I remembered you, and Alex did too!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Happy Birthday Genevive

Yeah, I sprawled "Happy Birthday Genevive" on my bathtub wall with Lily's bath crayons. Seemed better than lighting a candle, I am sick of lighting candles.

Tomorrow is Lily and Genevive's second birthday. Can't believe it has been two years already. What a journey.

I am back in my misery and guilt. I can't feel happy, and I feel bad because I think I should be for Lillian. Instead I am such a mix of emotions I feel like a lunatic. Yesterday I told a newly grieving mother, "It gets better, I promise". And it does, it's better this year than it was last year...... but it still isn't easy.

Tomorrow should be a day of twos! Two little girls, turning two! Two little fancy dresses and two little cakes with two little candles each. But half of those twos are missing, and it is just very unfair.

I need to get my act together, Poor Lily can't have a lunatic for a mother on each birthday.