Monday, August 30, 2010

Headstone is installed!

I need to buy more chipped marble though, I was surprised to see that a lot of it was missing, and in general her grave was a grown over mess. Sad, since I had it so pretty last time. The temporary headstone I made last year was broken into 5 pieces, that was a bit sad, I had hoped it would be ok so I could bring it home. Here are some photos. I will take better ones Wednesday or Thursday when I get over there to put down more chipped marble.

So first we had to find the temporary stone, that is how overgrown it was. We dug out the pieces and moved as much of the chipped marble as we could out of the way.

Then Eddy and my brother Bill dug out a hole for the stone.

Here is the new stone, Isn't it just lovely! I truly adore it. It is really heavy, I can't even lift it a tiny bit. It is a lot bigger than I expected, the photo doesn't really show how big it is. It is a lot bigger than she was in real life, LOL.
They had to put it in and take it out a couple times to fix the size of the hole.
Big gap in photos here, because I was sitting on the ground fixing the rocks and dirt as best as I could.
My mom bought the little flower holders and the flowers. Purple for Genevive!

So here it is! I am upset we had to leave it looking this way, but I really hadn't expected so much of the marble to be gone. It will look so pretty when I redecorate it this week though.

Here is my headstone crew.... My step dad Dennis, my mom Robin, my niece Olivia, My brother in law Chris holding Lily, My sister Mel, my husband Eddy, me and my brother Billy. Alex refused to get in the photo, so we had him take the picture. Wish we had moved that stroller, LOL. I appreciate the support, and I am glad some family was there. It is nice to know that they think of Genevive. And Kudos to everyone it was so hot, and there is no shade at the grave and no wind at all, on the way home the bank thermometer said 101 degrees.

Now that it is done, I feel a mix of emotions. I am glad it is done, I was worried having the headstone in my van for a couple months, I Didn't want anything to happen to it. However I also feel sad, this was my last big thing. Now there is nothing left I can do for Genevive. I feel like I am done parenting her. Seems odd to even think of parenting a dead baby, but I still feel like she is mine and I am supposed to provide for her. But now I am done providing for her, so what am I left with? I can light a candle a couple times a year, but it just doesn't feel like enough for me. I guess I will have to find a new way to continue my grief.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Mini rant about heaven

Now I will say upfront I am an athiest. I don't believe in god, heaven, hell, ghosts, spirits, angels etc. I just can't wrap my mind around something I can't see I guess. I have no idea what happens when you die, and no idea what happened to my daughter. To me she is just gone, and should be remembered.

In grief this is a tough spot to be in, It seems everyone turns to their particular religious beliefs for comfort. I don't have that. When my daughter died I got a lot of religous types of comments, offers of prayers, people saying I will see her again someday. They never bothered me since it was people's kind thoughts that mattered. Though they don't offer me much comfort either, I don't believe I will see Genevive again someday. If it turns out I am wrong, that would be lovely. That is kind of how I see it, When I die I will figure out what happens, maybe I will go to heaven, maybe I will become a spirit, maybe I will just cease to be and that doesn't sound to bad either.

On the other hand though, I refer to my daughter as an angel, it's a lovely representation. And my husband is catholic so I respect his belief that Genevive is in heaven.

One thing that really makes me angry though is when people represent my daughter running around in heaven, eating cake and chatting with other angels and what not. To me she is my baby, forever 16 days old, forever sleeping and drinking milk. If there is a heaven why would she be older? The whole idea of her talking and walking just really sends chills down my spine. I can't see her any other way than the little baby I cuddled. I don't know if this is a stupid thing to harp on about, but it really does bug me a lot.

The one other thing that really does make me so angry is when people say she belongs with the lord. The lord took her back to him etc. She belongs to me, and my arms is the best place for my babies, no one will ever convince me otherwise.

So anyhow I just wanted to reflect on that a bit. I on no way have an issue with religious people, I respect all religions and peoples right to worship how they choose. And I enjoy when people offer me prayers, I think it is a kind thing to do. But if my daughter is an angel, she is a baby one, sleeping in a nice cushy bassinet.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Twin sorrow.

I spent some time today in the multiples forum I frequented while pregnant. It was neat to see the babies who are toddlers now and read up on everyone. But it made me feel very sad.

I should have two babies, and be posting cute photos, and giving out awesome advice on how to handle twins. I am angry at how many of the moms there complain about how hard it is to have twins. I think its way harder not to, but I guess I am glad they don't realize that.

I am a mom of twins too.

On another note, it has been a while since I have stayed up all teary eyed missing Genevive. I miss her every day of course, but then sometimes it is just so painful its all consuming. But that is happening less lately. Maybe I am moving forward in my life, but I sure feel guilty about that. She isn't on my mind 24 hours a day anymore, I feel like that isn't right. I am not sure how grief is supposed to go later on. I am worried I might start forgetting things. eh, I am rambling.