Sunday, August 29, 2010

Mini rant about heaven

Now I will say upfront I am an athiest. I don't believe in god, heaven, hell, ghosts, spirits, angels etc. I just can't wrap my mind around something I can't see I guess. I have no idea what happens when you die, and no idea what happened to my daughter. To me she is just gone, and should be remembered.

In grief this is a tough spot to be in, It seems everyone turns to their particular religious beliefs for comfort. I don't have that. When my daughter died I got a lot of religous types of comments, offers of prayers, people saying I will see her again someday. They never bothered me since it was people's kind thoughts that mattered. Though they don't offer me much comfort either, I don't believe I will see Genevive again someday. If it turns out I am wrong, that would be lovely. That is kind of how I see it, When I die I will figure out what happens, maybe I will go to heaven, maybe I will become a spirit, maybe I will just cease to be and that doesn't sound to bad either.

On the other hand though, I refer to my daughter as an angel, it's a lovely representation. And my husband is catholic so I respect his belief that Genevive is in heaven.

One thing that really makes me angry though is when people represent my daughter running around in heaven, eating cake and chatting with other angels and what not. To me she is my baby, forever 16 days old, forever sleeping and drinking milk. If there is a heaven why would she be older? The whole idea of her talking and walking just really sends chills down my spine. I can't see her any other way than the little baby I cuddled. I don't know if this is a stupid thing to harp on about, but it really does bug me a lot.

The one other thing that really does make me so angry is when people say she belongs with the lord. The lord took her back to him etc. She belongs to me, and my arms is the best place for my babies, no one will ever convince me otherwise.

So anyhow I just wanted to reflect on that a bit. I on no way have an issue with religious people, I respect all religions and peoples right to worship how they choose. And I enjoy when people offer me prayers, I think it is a kind thing to do. But if my daughter is an angel, she is a baby one, sleeping in a nice cushy bassinet.


Brittanie said...

First off, I'm sorry if I said any of those things that bothered you. I'll file this piece of information away.

It's interesting how people see their babies. I always see her as the age she WOULD be. Maybe it's because I didn't see her living. Maybe it's because the one and only dream I ever had about her she was an adult. She's ageless to me, not fixed in any one age.


Tara said...

First, I completely respect your atheism, though I am Catholic (pretty liberal Catholic).

I go back and forth with how I think my son looks now in Heaven. I of course remember him as a little baby, and I think in heaven, that's what would happen first, I would be rocking that little baby.

But, I am now confronted with what he might be like if you "age" in heaven. I know two children, one born the day we buried Xavier, one born when he should've been born, and now these children are three-years-old. One is anxiously awaiting a new baby brother.

I don't know what he would look like at three, I can't fathom it, but maybe he is a child there. Either way, I know many special people that are looking after him until I am there too.

May you have peace on your journey. :-) Tara

DeniFay said...

I myself, am Methodist and I still have problems determining what my babies would look like, mine weren't born and didn't live outside of me like yours did, so there's even more to imagine and wonder about, and not so much pain of having seen and lost my baby. I believe in God and am certain my babies are with Him, but that is not a true comfort to me, it doesn't make me want them with me any less. One of the comments that has made me the most mad throughout all of this is that comment "God knew what He was doing". As if somehow, that will comfort me! And I want to scream at the top of my lungs with all the pain that I've felt "GOD DIDN'T KILL MY BABIES!!!!!". So, I understand your frustration with these comments, and know that even as a strong believer, those comments are painful and useless to me!! Sending love, I can't imagine your pain of watching your twin grow up as a singleton, knowing there should be her little companion with her. I have a friend whose twin passed at birth, and even in her 30s, she says she's always felt a part of her was missing!!!