Thursday, October 29, 2009

We need some happy thoughts.

I have been in such a slump, people are going to stop reading my blog because I am so darned miserable! So lets try a happy post. I am glad to have had my baby, here are some happy things about her. I am also going to try to find different photos. I tend to always post my specific favorites, but in actuality I have thousands of photos of her, Yes I am a bit obsessed, I didn't want to miss anything. I was never in that nicu without my camera. Did you know you can click on the photos to see them larger?

When the twins were born I saw Lillian first. She had less trouble, they got her stable quick and brought her over. I was able to touch her and talk to her for a while, because they were working on Genevive for so long. By the time They brought Genevive over to me the anticipation was terrible. When I finally saw her my heart melted instantly, she looked just like my Alex when he was born. Same little nose and lips. Here is Alex when he was born, and genevive underneath.

She had the bestest hair all over her. Beautiful silver hair. My sister in law called her a yeti, LOL. Here's a photo, I am so glad I took this.

Genevive loved skin to skin, and she had no real time limit. Lillian was so small back then it was limited to a half hour or she would get cold. But genevive was meatier, and I could hold her for hours skin to skin. I would hold her a little sideways and talk to her and she would look right up at you, and move her mouth like she wanted to talk, she was sooo cute.

When I was pregnant we decided to color code our babies. We chose purple for genevive and Orange for Lillian. Reasoning was Lillian was originally a boy, LMAO. I am so glad we did this, the hospital was awesome about it, and the nurses would go find little color coded hats and blankets for them. Genevive had a lot of purple things. Now it has given her more of an identity in my mind, when I see purples, greens and creams it reminds me of her. And so do flowers and butterflies. She always had beautiful flowery purple and green quilts I think that is why.

I love baby yawns!! I hate head IVs!!

Genevive loved to suck! If her binky fell, she would suck her thumb. We had daily ultrasounds when I was in the hospital that last month, and she was always lounging and sucking her thumb, LOL. Even in utero she was very laid back.

Well that is all for now, Or this post will be a mile long. Wasn't she awesome! It is amazing how much of an impact she made on us in such a short time. She had a huge personality. Angel moms what are good memories for you? What makes you happy in all this sadness? we should all make a happy post, I had fun.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

So is this how it is now?

Since just before the 9 month anniversary I have felt a huge change in myself. I know I ranted about it before. I assumed it was the usual build up to the milestone and then like before it would pass. But it hasn't. I have an anxiety disorder which causes physical symptoms when my anxiety is really bad. I remember when genevive passed away and Lillian was in the NICU with meningitis it got so bad at one point, I had lightheaded spells constantly, and the tip of my tongue would go numb. Once those two things start happening I know my anxiety is out of control.

I feel like I am back in those days, when things were at their worse. I am walking around in a fog, I am either preoccupied with genevive and doing things in her memory or planning the one year anniversary. Or I am Obsessively crafting or playing a game, something I do to distract myself when things get to be to much. I am having a lot more panic attacks than usual, and am lightheaded a lot. And the big issue is I can't sleep, Look it is 4:15 am and here I am typing away and crocheting. For weeks now I will lay here for hours, not able to sleep. I can sleep during the day when Alex is in school and Eddy is awake. So my schedule has turned into be up all night and sleep from 8 am till noon or so. I have tried not sleeping during the day hoping I would just be so tired I would sleep, but that didn't work. And when I am trying to sleep and can't that just makes me more anxious.

What the hell is going on? Been there done that angel moms, please tell me this isn't some sick sort of pre-one year anniversary buildup. I don't think I can handle this for the next 2 and a half months. And over the holidays to boot. How was it for you guys during that 9 month to one year period? Mom's with twin losses how was the first birthday?

I am dreading the holidays, Trying to celebrate Lillian's firsts while I miss Genevive is exhausting. Normally I go way overboard for Halloween and this year I have hardly done anything. I made her costume, that's it. I really have no plan on how to get through this time of year. Their first birthday is December 29, right after Christmas. Talk about a double whammy.

I am really kind of sick and tired of this whole grieving process.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

9 months today

Sigh, time keeps marching on. It feels like it should stop. Some women post such beautiful poetic things on their blogs. I am a bit jealous, I don't have the words that genevive deserves. So I will just say I miss her, and I love her, and there will always be a special place in my heart for her. And I think those are the important things to say anyhow.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Wow, grief sucks

Grief really does move in stages. I can think of several time periods that I have felt distinctly different, and handled it very different. I think I entered a new one now, and I don't like it very much.

Seeing babies after genevive passed away has never bothered me. I have a baby myself, and a baby niece, and lots of babies in my family, and babies make me happy. Same with pregnant women. All of a sudden now I am SOOOO angry. I am angry at the billion people I know that are pregnant right now. I am angry at the people I know who have twins and triplets. I am angry at people who have more kids than me. I am angry at people who have less kids and say NO way to having more like its is such a terrible thing. I am angry at the other angel moms I know who seem to have such a huge network of support. I don't quite fit into those networks do I, why? Why do they have so many more people to talk to, I lost a baby too. I am just so so so angry. And I am so so so jealous too.

I wish I had more kids, I wish I were pregnant. I wish I could have just one more, I settled on having three kids, three is just right. Although in the back of my head I know I don't want one more, I just want my third one back.

In one weeks time she will have been gone for 9 months. And really who cares. 9 months isn't very significant, what makes it so special, why is it so hard. I hate this, I went through it at 3 months and 6 months. Each time it is different, but its that same feeling of impending doom. And I sure do feel all alone.