Since just before the 9 month anniversary I have felt a huge change in myself. I know I ranted about it before. I assumed it was the usual build up to the milestone and then like before it would pass. But it hasn't. I have an anxiety disorder which causes physical symptoms when my anxiety is really bad. I remember when genevive passed away and Lillian was in the NICU with meningitis it got so bad at one point, I had lightheaded spells constantly, and the tip of my tongue would go numb. Once those two things start happening I know my anxiety is out of control.
I feel like I am back in those days, when things were at their worse. I am walking around in a fog, I am either preoccupied with genevive and doing things in her memory or planning the one year anniversary. Or I am Obsessively crafting or playing a game, something I do to distract myself when things get to be to much. I am having a lot more panic attacks than usual, and am lightheaded a lot. And the big issue is I can't sleep, Look it is 4:15 am and here I am typing away and crocheting. For weeks now I will lay here for hours, not able to sleep. I can sleep during the day when Alex is in school and Eddy is awake. So my schedule has turned into be up all night and sleep from 8 am till noon or so. I have tried not sleeping during the day hoping I would just be so tired I would sleep, but that didn't work. And when I am trying to sleep and can't that just makes me more anxious.
What the hell is going on? Been there done that angel moms, please tell me this isn't some sick sort of pre-one year anniversary buildup. I don't think I can handle this for the next 2 and a half months. And over the holidays to boot. How was it for you guys during that 9 month to one year period? Mom's with twin losses how was the first birthday?
I am dreading the holidays, Trying to celebrate Lillian's firsts while I miss Genevive is exhausting. Normally I go way overboard for Halloween and this year I have hardly done anything. I made her costume, that's it. I really have no plan on how to get through this time of year. Their first birthday is December 29, right after Christmas. Talk about a double whammy.
I am really kind of sick and tired of this whole grieving process.