Tuesday, October 27, 2009

So is this how it is now?

Since just before the 9 month anniversary I have felt a huge change in myself. I know I ranted about it before. I assumed it was the usual build up to the milestone and then like before it would pass. But it hasn't. I have an anxiety disorder which causes physical symptoms when my anxiety is really bad. I remember when genevive passed away and Lillian was in the NICU with meningitis it got so bad at one point, I had lightheaded spells constantly, and the tip of my tongue would go numb. Once those two things start happening I know my anxiety is out of control.

I feel like I am back in those days, when things were at their worse. I am walking around in a fog, I am either preoccupied with genevive and doing things in her memory or planning the one year anniversary. Or I am Obsessively crafting or playing a game, something I do to distract myself when things get to be to much. I am having a lot more panic attacks than usual, and am lightheaded a lot. And the big issue is I can't sleep, Look it is 4:15 am and here I am typing away and crocheting. For weeks now I will lay here for hours, not able to sleep. I can sleep during the day when Alex is in school and Eddy is awake. So my schedule has turned into be up all night and sleep from 8 am till noon or so. I have tried not sleeping during the day hoping I would just be so tired I would sleep, but that didn't work. And when I am trying to sleep and can't that just makes me more anxious.

What the hell is going on? Been there done that angel moms, please tell me this isn't some sick sort of pre-one year anniversary buildup. I don't think I can handle this for the next 2 and a half months. And over the holidays to boot. How was it for you guys during that 9 month to one year period? Mom's with twin losses how was the first birthday?

I am dreading the holidays, Trying to celebrate Lillian's firsts while I miss Genevive is exhausting. Normally I go way overboard for Halloween and this year I have hardly done anything. I made her costume, that's it. I really have no plan on how to get through this time of year. Their first birthday is December 29, right after Christmas. Talk about a double whammy.

I am really kind of sick and tired of this whole grieving process.


Tara said...

Hello--I read your blog. My son, Xavier, died now 2 1/2 years ago....the anticipation of the 1 yr. anniversery is tough. For me and many others I know, the day itself isn't as bad as the lead up. You'll probably find yourself reliving various moments from the girls' birth and on forward until Genevive's death, and then the things that happened after her death. It's not easy, at all. I'm so sorry that you even have to go through it. It's not easy the 2nd year, and I always have tough 1/2 year anniverseries too...but, it's a little easier to handle now than the first time. Not because the situation is easier, probably just because it's not the first time you're trying to deal with it. And, the best part for me in all of this grief junk, is that there are times when I can think of my son's brief 2 1/2 days and my pregnancy with joy and happiness, sure it's bittersweet, but at least it's not totally bitter. Prayers for you and lots of love :-) Tara

Brittanie said...

I think a lot of it is also the holidays itself. I know that the beginning of October-Christmas is really hard for me, and this is my fourth holiday season without her. The plan of what Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas SHOULD be like....

Add that on top of the anticipation to her birthday and angelversary, you're getting a double whammy there.


Nan & Mike said...

I'm with ya hon. I think the days leading up to any significant "trigger" date have been awful. If you feel you are going under water, then maybe you should talk to a doc about a mild antidepressent. I took a lose dose of Xanex as I have panic attacks also. Keep us posted. Hugs, Nan xo