Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Wow, grief sucks

Grief really does move in stages. I can think of several time periods that I have felt distinctly different, and handled it very different. I think I entered a new one now, and I don't like it very much.

Seeing babies after genevive passed away has never bothered me. I have a baby myself, and a baby niece, and lots of babies in my family, and babies make me happy. Same with pregnant women. All of a sudden now I am SOOOO angry. I am angry at the billion people I know that are pregnant right now. I am angry at the people I know who have twins and triplets. I am angry at people who have more kids than me. I am angry at people who have less kids and say NO way to having more like its is such a terrible thing. I am angry at the other angel moms I know who seem to have such a huge network of support. I don't quite fit into those networks do I, why? Why do they have so many more people to talk to, I lost a baby too. I am just so so so angry. And I am so so so jealous too.

I wish I had more kids, I wish I were pregnant. I wish I could have just one more, I settled on having three kids, three is just right. Although in the back of my head I know I don't want one more, I just want my third one back.

In one weeks time she will have been gone for 9 months. And really who cares. 9 months isn't very significant, what makes it so special, why is it so hard. I hate this, I went through it at 3 months and 6 months. Each time it is different, but its that same feeling of impending doom. And I sure do feel all alone.


Brittanie said...

I'm sorry that you feel so alone. I feel really alone sometimes. I think grief is very lonely sometimes. ((hugs)) You have every right to be angry. IT SUCKS.

Ben said...

You don't know me , but I want you to know that you are NOT alone, someone in Perrysburg, OH is praying for you right now. I have three children and suffered a miscarriage between my first my two oldest in 2001. I know my loss is different than yours, but I know a little of what you're feeling and I am so sorry you have to endure the pain of not having one of your babies to hold and to love on physically. You have every right to feel however you need to feel right now, there is no timeline for grief, it is whatever YOU need WHEN you need it! Take it one hour at a time and take care of yourself! Melanie Whitaker

Catherine W said...

I wish that we weren't so many miles apart. I wish that me and J could come and visit you and Lillian and that we could talk about Genevive and my G. Or perhaps just not say anything at all.

I'm so sorry. I find the anger very hard to choke down at times too. Thinking of you and your family and sending love from here in the UK xo