Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Wow, grief sucks
Grief really does move in stages. I can think of several time periods that I have felt distinctly different, and handled it very different. I think I entered a new one now, and I don't like it very much.
Seeing babies after genevive passed away has never bothered me. I have a baby myself, and a baby niece, and lots of babies in my family, and babies make me happy. Same with pregnant women. All of a sudden now I am SOOOO angry. I am angry at the billion people I know that are pregnant right now. I am angry at the people I know who have twins and triplets. I am angry at people who have more kids than me. I am angry at people who have less kids and say NO way to having more like its is such a terrible thing. I am angry at the other angel moms I know who seem to have such a huge network of support. I don't quite fit into those networks do I, why? Why do they have so many more people to talk to, I lost a baby too. I am just so so so angry. And I am so so so jealous too.
I wish I had more kids, I wish I were pregnant. I wish I could have just one more, I settled on having three kids, three is just right. Although in the back of my head I know I don't want one more, I just want my third one back.
In one weeks time she will have been gone for 9 months. And really who cares. 9 months isn't very significant, what makes it so special, why is it so hard. I hate this, I went through it at 3 months and 6 months. Each time it is different, but its that same feeling of impending doom. And I sure do feel all alone.
at 10:43 PM