Thursday, May 6, 2010

Feeling a little guilty.

I read a lot of other angel moms blogs. And belong to a couple of forums. And a lot of comments are made about visiting the cemetery. And a lot of photos are posted of the cemetery. I rarely visit Genevive's grave. I usually do on big milestones, like 6 months, 1 year, and christmas I did. And I did a couple days after she passed away. But I never leave the cemetery feeling peaceful, It never feels like it helps me.

When we went on the 6 month anniversary we redecorated the whole thing. I did find that to be helpful, and enjoyed myself. I do know a lot of it is was that I am very bothered by the headstone. But now we have one and it will be installed soon, I hope that helps me a bit.

In the back of my head though I wonder if that makes me a bad mom. Or I wonder of other people will think I don't care about her because I don't visit her every week. The thing is I feel closer to her by holding her little blood stained gown or rubbing her little hand imprint than I do looking at the mound of dirt.

P.S. That is a photo of Genevive's casket I took from the car window as we were leaving. I just really felt it was a beautiful sight. Her casket was just so lovely with the little cherubs on it. And the snow and the flowers all made it look so quiet and peaceful and represented how pure and innocent she was so well.


Catherine W said...

It's a heartbreakingly beautiful photograph.

It doesn't make you a bad mom. You need to go the places, or do the things, that make you feel closest to your daughter. Which might not be visiting the cemetery. xo

Brittanie said...

I don't have a place to visit, and that makes me feel a little guilty sometimes. Jenny Lake was the closest I got to a grave, and then we moved and it's now too far away. Catherine is right, you need to do what you need to do. You love and miss and remember Genevieve, that makes you a good mom.