Wow, grief sucks

Grief really does move in stages. I can think of several time periods that I have felt distinctly different, and handled it very different. I think I entered a new one now, and I don't like it very much.

Seeing babies after genevive passed away has never bothered me. I have a baby myself, and a baby niece, and lots of babies in my family, and babies make me happy. Same with pregnant women. All of a sudden now I am SOOOO angry. I am angry at the billion people I know that are pregnant right now. I am angry at the people I know who have twins and triplets. I am angry at people who have more kids than me. I am angry at people who have less kids and say NO way to having more like its is such a terrible thing. I am angry at the other angel moms I know who seem to have such a huge network of support. I don't quite fit into those networks do I, why? Why do they have so many more people to talk to, I lost a baby too. I am just so so so angry. And I am so so so jealous too.

I wish I had more kids, I wish I were pregnant. I wish I could have just one more, I settled on having three kids, three is just right. Although in the back of my head I know I don't want one more, I just want my third one back.

In one weeks time she will have been gone for 9 months. And really who cares. 9 months isn't very significant, what makes it so special, why is it so hard. I hate this, I went through it at 3 months and 6 months. Each time it is different, but its that same feeling of impending doom. And I sure do feel all alone.

Sometimes there are no words

So here is a lovely photo from say it with flowers.

The news story

Our news story showed today. I think it was great. Although the part where I talked about now I lay me down to sleep was cut out, but I understand they had to fit into a certain time. Anyone want to see it?



Tell me if I sounded like a lunatic. And don't mind my Rhode Island accent, I can't help it.

If you are dropping by from the news story, Please leave a comment. Blog comments make us feel good, I love getting them.

A day of phone calls!

PHONE CALL NUMBER ONE: So today Walt Buteau called me to say that all put together the story is fantastic. He said all the elements we were able to provide like the video and photos, and Eddy's singing just went together with their techniques to make a touching piece. I have to say I am so impressed with how nice he and John (the cameraman) were, it was enjoyable working with them. And I am glad he called today to follow up, it wasn't necessary on his part and I really feel like they care.

PHONE CALL NUMBER TWO: SO I thought about it and decided to call our NICU social worker and tell her about the news story. Just in case any of the NICU people involved with genevive and Lillian are interested in seeing it. She is going to let people know. I am always a bit worried in these cases that I am deluded and people aren't nearly as interested in my baby as I am. But hey, I felt like they really cared for her when she passed away. If I am wrong, hopefully no one will tell me, I would much rather think she is remembered and loved.

Now, just in case anybody from the hospital do watch the news and come visit my blog I want to take the oppurtunity to post a big thank you. I had one Preemie pass away and one Preemie come home with no long term issues. I can honestly say I have seen the best and the worst of the NICU. Women and Infants is amazing. The support I recieved when genevive passed away was moving, They let us take our time with her, and helped us when we felt lost. Going back to the NICU the next day was terribly hard, but when I got there I got so many hugs from people I didn't even know. They helped me so much more than they realized, for a while the hospital was the only place I felt good after she passed, just because I felt like she wasn't forgotten while there. Anywhere else it felt like the world moved on and no one remembered. I appreciate everything the hospital personnel did for me, and I will never forget any of you.

In closing let me find a memory for the front page. Here was an awesome day. We had a lot of fun playing, and in fact this was the day I took my favorite photo of genevive (all the way at the bottom of this page). I was trying to leave, but she was so alert, and looking around, how could I walk away?