FINALLY

Well, things have been difficult lately. My uncle Steve passed away last week. He died of cancer, and I was there for the last 4 days, it was very tough to watch. Very different from Genevive's death experience. In a way I think the death of a baby is better, even though that sounds funny. When she passed away we were able to do her bath, take photos, do hand prints and casts. Lots of little things like that. With my uncle all we could do was watch and when he was gone hold his hand and rub his head. I am not sure why, I felt there should be more that can be done, but there wasn't. I am just rambling, I am so upset. I love my uncle, and I am so sad to see how much my dad is suffering.

On a different note we finally got the email about the headstone. It is done and ready to be shipped. Isn't it breathtaking!!

Taking a moment to post

I have been so preoccupied lately with Lillian. She is having some severe allergy issues and we are working with the allergist and GI to figure out what my poor baby can eat.

I have been thinking about Genevive though. I wonder if she would have had allergies too? I don't think so, she was a good eater and she loved to eat. Lily struggled with eating from day 1 in the NICU. At one point I was worried because genevive was eating the breastmilk just as fast as I could pump it, and I was afraid there would be none for Lillian when she started feeds.

In the grieving world I made a huge accomplishment recently. Since a few months after genevive's death I had the idea to make a pamphlet for parents losing a baby. I felt so lost that day, I knew I wanted to do stuff, but had no idea what to do. I have been jotting down notes and brainstorms and ideas as they come to me. Well I was asked to speak at the hospital about our loss. What helped what didn't, things like that. So I took all my notes and made a pamphlet for the nurses and doctors on how to help guide us through that day. It went awesome. The hospital media center printed and cut and stapled it for me. The meeting was fantastic, people asked a lot of questions, and I got an awesome response about the pamphlet. SO I will be refining it a bit, and distributing copies to other hospitals. It is very satisfying to me, that Genevive's death can help other people. Then at least I know some good came out of it.

One year ago at this time...

One year ago today I watched my daughter die in my arms. I couldn't fix it, I couldn't save her. I have struggled along for a year. I have watched Lillian grow and felt the pangs of something that is missing. I have gone through milestones and holidays, I survived her birthday. But this pain and sadness enveloped me more and more as this day approached. I work hard to make sure she isn't forgotten, and to help others who are going through the pain of losing a child. But now this day has come, how can I help me myself. I am angry, it is unfair, why my baby? I am sure I will make it through somehow, I have no choice after all. I will hold onto the fact that I am lucky. How lucky I had such a special spunky, active little preemie. And how grateful I am that she is no longer in pain.

I wonder if she means anything to other people. I wonder if her story has made any difference whatsoever, or if my fear of her being forgotten has just turned me into a crackpot.

Perhaps for today everyone can pretend I haven't turned into a lunatic. Say my daughters name, don't ask me to get over it, don't tell me to look at Lillian, don't tell me she is in a better place. I would love to hear a memory, or that she was cute, be outraged with me, I don't know. I miss her, I feel it, and today I am unable to pretend that everything is ok.

A new year

Everyone seems to have a profound post about the new year. Lots of nice resolutions and well wishing. I have none, I am glad 2009 is over, and There is now way this year could possibly be as bad. I think other new angel moms can say it with me, Thank god this year is behind us. Now how do we handle the next? Now I can't say I lost my daughter this year, it makes it sound so less important. I don't like that.

I lost my daughter last year......